HELPFUL HINTS FOR A HORRIBLE HALLOWEEN ...THE GOOD KIND

Hey kids! Halloween is that time of the year for smashing your neighbors pumpkins, scaring little kids to give them traumatizing nightmares to last them till adulthood, and to fuck with black cats. And no, that’s not racist. To enjoy this Halloween take some of this friendly advice. 

First, dress like a douche (yes, I understand modern high schoolers follow this step on a daily basis but bear with me). Seriously.

That is a very popular costume that is sure not to offend or make anyone uncomfortable. And if you’re a girl, dress like a slut. Now, this can be accomplished in many ways. You can either be a cat, by which I mean wear short and provocative black clothing and place a pair of cat ears on your head, or you can be anything you want by just making sure your legs, stomach, ass, and boobs are out at all times.

If you are going to look like a douche, then act like one. Go to a nice resisidental block where they buy overpriced pumpkins to decorate for their unappreciative, bastard children and smash them. Grab your skateboard that I know you have (or truck) and destroy them as you go.

And if that’s not fun enough, scare the living day lights out of them. Wear a bloody face, have some fake knives, and jump out of bushes. If you want to include your significant other, have them waiting at the end for a bag of candy that the kids will never have, or have them point at laugh at the children that run away screaming.

Of course, as a young adult, you are going to be invited to parties. Remember, it’s Halloween. You don’t want to be a moderate drinker. You should get shitfaced. That’s the best way to end your night. This way, if all else fails, it will still feel great while it’s ongoing. That’s how you have the most remembable and perfect Halloween ever. 

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